Wenslus Murape
Mudzimba
Dr Rebecca Chisamba
Dear Amai, I hope I find you well. I am a second wife by choice, and I have two sons. When I got married, the first wife did not complain; she continued with her life as if nothing had happened. I have my own apartment, but we used to meet during the family’s fortunate and unfortunate times. She never crossed my path or talked to me.
Last week, I got the shock of my life when my husband said he was done with me, as he feels guilty about what he did to his first wife — hurting her by bringing me on board. He said he would let me keep the apartment for the kids’ sake and help with their welfare. I tried to persuade him to think otherwise, but he refused. He has stopped coming to my house or communicating with me directly. I asked one of his sisters to intervene and she said the whole family had stood by his decision. Amai, what should I do?
Response
I am very well, and thanks for writing in. In my view, love is a very personal emotion, and it comes from the heart. When someone says they have come to the end of the road, it is very difficult to make them change their mind. In your case, you did not have any fights or warning signs.
He just came to this decision on his own. It was your choice to accept his hand in marriage as a second wife. I assume you were ready for any ups and downs that would come with that decision.
The fact that he still assumes responsibility for you and the kids is a good thing. I strongly recommend that you go for professional counselling. You are at a crossroads, and you need resources to help you navigate the difficult space you have found yourself in.
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Sister-in-law brewing storm in a teacup
How are you, Amai? I am 39 and married to a guy of the same age. We are blessed with two kids — a boy and a girl. We are both gainfully employed and have a house of our own. My husband’s brother visited us last week and asked if he could take the kids to his farm for the weekend so that they could have fun with their cousins.
I was not keen on such an arrangement because it was unplanned. The two brothers thought otherwise and argued that it was fine because it was just a weekend away with family. I ended up letting my kids go with him for the weekend.
I heard that when they arrived, my sister-in-law blew her top in front of my kids and told her husband off.
She said she did not want visitors imposed on her and insisted they were supposed to check with her first. The following day (Saturday), she drove off early in the morning with her kids and spent the rest of the weekend at her mother’s place in the city.
Amai, this was a very unsettling episode. I sent a voice message to my sister-in-law apologising about the matter. She responded with a Bible text that goes: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”
I have no idea how we got far off track and how I can make things right.
Response
I am well, and thanks for inquiring. As much as I do not know about your relationship with your sister-in-law, I sense that there is some unfinished business between the two of you. The scripture she chose and the way she behaved when the kids arrived says it all. Did you treat her like this or similarly in the past? It seems her logic is that turnabout is fair play.
I do not understand why she brewed this big storm in a teacup. There were many other ways of putting her emotions across sensibly. This confused the children. This cannot be swept under the carpet.
I suggest the four of you sit down and talk about this as a family. If need be, you can pick a mature elder from your side of the family to help smooth things over. This type of behaviour is toxic, especially coming from a parent.
Your kids were invited; they did not travel of their own accord, so they were not to blame. Your sister-in-law owes these kids an apology for ruining what could have been a fun weekend with their cousins. I would be happy to hear about the outcome of the meeting.
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I feel overburdened
Dear Amai, I am a man married to a very understanding woman. We are blessed with three beautiful children. My parents are both alive and retired. I come from a family of three brothers, myself included, and two sisters.
God has blessed us a lot. Each of my siblings is self-sufficient and married. My problem is that whenever my parents want anything, they ask directly from either me or my wife. The rest help when they feel like it, and at times they do not. I am the thirdborn in our family.
The festive season is upon us, and my parents have already made their requests to the two of us. I inquired if they had done the same with my siblings. I was shocked when I was told that they never ask for anything from them and that I could gift them whatever I pleased.
My question is why do they do that to me only? My brothers are far richer than me, but they never get any requests from them. Do they hate me or my wife indirectly? It is not making any sense at all. Amai, please help.
Response
Greetings dear writer, and thank you for reaching out to me. You have come up with very tricky questions. My guess is as good as yours. I will try to put myself in your parents’ shoes and answer you as a parent. I want to say congratulations to you and your wife for taking care of your parents. The fact that they come to you often is a very good sign.
It suggests that your parents are free to ask from you because you are approachable and grant their requests. Many parents suffer silently and accept whatever is thrown at them because they do not have people like you around.
From your communication, I can deduce that they confide in you.
Please continue the good work and do not expose them; they mean well.
When you do things for your parents, it is noble to do it without checking on what the other siblings will have done unless you fear some form of duplication.
Their happiness is a blessing upon you. Treasure your time together: Today they are here and tomorrow they will be gone. Be of good cheer. I wish you all the best.
Feedback: beckychisamba @gmail.com
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