Moffat Mungazi
Dear Tete Joyie: I have been married for the past five years. Before we got married, she was nice to my parents and would buy my mother small gifts.
She is a stay at home mom by choice as she quit work when she got pregnant and wanted to take care of our child full time. I give her access to all my salary so that we plan together.
We include both our parents in the budget so that they receive a small token, but the problem is that I have just learnt that for the past year my parents were not receiving their allowance.
She was giving her parents double the amount. When I asked her why she has been doing that, she said it is because her parents have college fees for her younger siblings, while mine have all their kids working. I am so disappointed in my wife. I never thought she would be so deceiving and heartless. I even considered divorcing her. Confused to what I should do?
Tete Joyie Says:
I am sorry you are feeling this way, as it sounds like you are facing a painful situation. It is understandable that you would feel hurt and disappointed after discovering that your wife has been acting in a way that seems deceitful, especially given the trust and financial transparency you have built in your marriage. When something like this happens, it is important to approach the situation thoughtfully, keeping both your emotional needs and the dynamics of your relationship in mind.
Steps to help you navigate this difficult situation:
Take a step back to process your emotions
Before making any decisions about your relationship, it might be helpful to take a little time to process your feelings of hurt, betrayal, and confusion. When emotions are running high, it can be difficult to think clearly. Give yourself permission to feel what you are feeling, but also try to avoid making any snap decisions while you are in an emotionally charged state.
Understand her perspective
In her explanation, she mentioned the college fees for her younger siblings, which seems to have influenced her decision. It is important to try to understand her perspective perhaps she felt a stronger sense of responsibility to her family in this situation. That does not justify being dishonest, but it could offer some insight into why she made those choices. You might want to explore if she has any guilt or pressure around her family’s needs that led her to make that decision in secret.
Make a decision about your future together
Ultimately, the decision of whether to stay in the marriage is deeply personal and depends on how you both address this issue moving forward. If your wife acknowledges her mistake and is willing to make amends, rebuild trust, and align with your values going forward, there may be hope for healing. However, if there is a continued lack of accountability or a disregard for your feelings, it may lead to more significant issues down the road.
It is important that you both take the time to evaluate your relationship as a whole, not just this incident. Consider whether your values are aligned, how the issue affects your long-term relationship goals, and whether both of you are willing to put in the work to heal and rebuild trust.
This is a tough situation, and you deserve clarity and honesty from your wife. With honest communication, the right support, and a willingness to work together, it’s possible to repair the relationship, but it requires both partners’ commitment to rebuilding trust and respect.
Painful reality of disconnection
Dear Tete Joyie: I officially disassociated myself from what would have been my family. I did not feel any sense of belonging there, whether with immediate or extended family.
I only found peace after I extracted myself from the equation. Clearly, I don’t want anything to do with anyone related to me. Now my boyfriend feels that I should open communication with them which I don’t want to do.
Tete Joyie Says:
It sounds like you are navigating a difficult and emotionally charged situation, and it is understandable that you would want to protect yourself and prioritise your peace after feeling like you didn’t belong or were not supported by your family.
Extracting yourself from toxic or painful relationships can sometimes be necessary for mental and emotional well-being.
That said, it is also understandable that your boyfriend may be suggesting you open communication with your family, possibly because he wants you to heal or reconcile with them. He might not fully understand the depth of your pain or why you are making this choice.
Reflect on why you feel the way you do
Before talking to your boyfriend, it may help to reflect more deeply on why you don’t want to reconnect with your family. Are there unresolved wounds that continue to affect you? Are there specific instances where you felt rejected or unsupported?
Understanding your own feelings more clearly can help you communicate your position to him with more confidence and clarity. It is okay to prioritise your emotional health, especially if your past experiences with your family were harmful.
Communicate your boundaries to your boyfriend
Your feelings and choices are valid. If you don’t want to open communication with your family right now, you have every right to set that boundary. Express to your boyfriend why you feel it is necessary for your well-being and peace of mind. Share how the lack of belonging with your family impacted you and why you need to maintain that distance to protect yourself. Help him understand that this decision is not about rejecting him, but about taking care of your mental health.
Listen to his perspective
While it is important to stand firm in your decision, also take the time to listen to his concerns. He might be coming from a place of wanting you to have a supportive family dynamic, or he might want you to heal from past hurts. Understanding why he feels the way he does can help you have a more productive conversation about how to move forward.
Acknowledge the impact of your decision
It is important to recognise that your choice to disassociate from your family can affect your relationship with your boyfriend. If he has a strong value for family connection, he might feel disappointed or confused by your decision. Acknowledge that while you understand his perspective, your need to prioritise your own mental and emotional health is equally important. It is okay to have different boundaries when it comes to family.
Compromise, if possible
While it is perfectly valid to choose not to reconnect with your family, it might help to find a middle ground. For example, could you consider limited or less frequent communication with your family that does not compromise your peace? Or, could you remain firm in your decision to stay distant but have a conversation with your boyfriend about how he can support you during this time?
Finding a way to balance both your needs and your boyfriend’s concerns can help maintain harmony in your relationship while still honouring your boundaries.
Stand firm in your decision
If after communicating your reasons, your boyfriend still insists that you should reconnect with your family, it is essential to be firm about your boundaries. Your peace and emotional health must come first, and it’s important that he respects your decision, even if he doesn’t fully agree with it. If he continues to push you on the matter, this may be a sign of a deeper incompatibility in how you both view family dynamics, and it’s something you both may need to navigate together in the long run.
If you are looking for advice on the tricky situation that you find yourself in, WhatsApp 0716069196, and Tete Joyie will assist you in solving the problem. Remember, all those who write in remain anonymous
