Abel Ndooka
Laina Makuzha
Love by Design
As we step into the brand-new year, we take a moment to express our heartfelt gratitude to God for blessing us with the gift of a fresh start, life, love, and relationships.
May this year be filled with hope, healing and happiness for us all.
As we begin this fresh chapter, there are those to whom love has not been so kind.
Zvinowanikwa.
It is normal and quite common to reflect on the past year, and perhaps even past relationships that may still be weighing heavily on one’s heart. It is also natural to feel the lingering emotions of past loves, but it is even more important to acknowledge that holding onto these feelings can hinder one’s growth, happiness, and sometimes the ability to form healthy, meaningful connections in the present.
This week we are exploring the importance of letting go of past relationship baggage, and how doing so can be a powerful catalyst for healing, growth and new beginnings.
If you have been in a relationship that ended, you may know that past relationships, whether they ended amicably or tumultuously, often leave emotional scars that can linger and affect our well-being. These scars might manifest as lingering sadness, trust issues, or fear of vulnerability. Recognising and acknowledging these emotions is the first step toward healing. This column has often stressed how essential it is to process these feelings rather than bury them, as unresolved issues can seep into our current and future relationships, hindering our ability to fully connect and love. I concur with relationship coach John Gray who once said, “Every relationship has its baggage. The trick is to find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack.”
Weight of past relationship baggage
Past relationships can leave us with emotional scars, making it challenging to move forward. Such scars can manifest in various ways, such as:
Unresolved emotions: Unprocessed feelings of anger, sadness, or hurt can linger, affecting your mood, relationships and overall well-being.
Fear and anxiety: Past experiences can create fear and anxiety about entering new relationships or trusting others.
Negative self-talk: A common error that some make when hurting. We may internalise negative messages from past partners, leading to self-doubt, low self-esteem and a distorted self-image.
As the renowned relationship coach, Iyanla Vanzant, once said, “You can’t get to where you’re going if you’re still holding on to where you’ve been.” It’s crucial to acknowledge the weight of our past relationship baggage and take intentional steps towards releasing it.
The process of letting go
Letting go of past relationship baggage requires a willingness to confront and process our emotions. Here are some practical steps to help you release the past in this new year and move forward:
Acknowledge and accept your emotions: Recognise how you feel, and allow yourself to process those emotions.
Take time for self-reflection: Zvakambofamba sei, reflect on your part in what happened, then also your values, needs and desires. Understanding yourself better can help you make more informed decisions in future relationships.
Practice self-compassion: It is quite normal that you may experience set backs, healing is a process. So treat yourself with kindness, understanding, and patience, just as you would do to a close friend.
Forgive yourself and others: When hurting, many people overlook this aspect, but experts insist on it. Forgiveness is a process, and it may take time but it is highly necessary. I have also highlighted in previous instalments, that forgiveness does not mean forgetting or condoning past hurts, but rather releasing the negative emotions associated with them. As the Bible reminds us, “Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” (Colossians 3:13) Forgiveness is a fundamental aspect of healing and moving forward.
Seek support: Surround yourself with loving, supportive people who encourage and uplift you, even if you are tempted to go into ‘hybernation’. A strong support system will carry you through the tough time
Create new memories, experiences and new narratives: Reframe your past experiences by focusing on the lessons learned rather than the pain endured. Such a shift in perspective can help you see your past relationships as stepping stones toward personal growth. Also engage in activities that bring you joy, help you grow, and create new, positive memories.
Embracing new beginnings
As we let go of past relationship baggage, we create space for new experiences, relationships, and growth. Here are some tips to help you embark on this new journey:
Focus on personal growth: Invest in self-care, learning, and self-improvement.
Cultivate a positive mindset: Practise gratitude, positivity and optimism.
Set healthy boundaries: Establish clear boundaries and priorities in your relationships.
Nurture meaningful connections: Invest in relationships that uplift and support you.
Relationship expert, Esther Perel, notes: “The greatest gift we can give ourselves is the courage to reinvent ourselves.” Embracing new beginnings requires courage, resilience, and a willingness to evolve.
As we step into this new year, let us command it with prayer, hope and positivity. A new year is like a blank canvas, offering us the opportunity to leave behind the past and embrace new beginnings with grace, hope, and wisdom. May we find the strength to let go of the burdens that weigh us down and the courage to step into the future with open hearts.
As I wrap up for this week, I want to express my heartfelt gratitude to each of you who has written in with suggestions, topic requests, and words of encouragement. Your input is invaluable, and I am honoured to be a part of your relationship or marriage journey.
May God bless and guide us all in this new year!
Feedback and topic suggestions are always welcome. Please reach out via WhatsApp/SMS: +263719102572 or Email: lainanaledimakuzha@gmail.com.
