mbulelo smpofu
Mkhululi Ncube, themkhust@gmail.com
GETTING married in a foreign country may have its unique challenges but things can turn even more sour when one suffers at the hands of an abusive partner and the justice system looks aside because of one’s nationality.
When *Ms Nokuthula Sibanda (36) left Zimbabwe for Botswana to do her beauty therapy attachment in 2007, she never thought that she would find herself getting married in a foreign land.
She says she first met her now ex-husband in Gaborone and although they spoke, she did not give much thought to his advances.
“I moved from my rented apartment to a new place and unbeknown to me, I had moved to his parent’s house. So when I woke up in the morning, I saw the guy who I had met in town. Things happened and a few months down the line, we were dating,” she said.
With things happening fast, Nokuthula found herself pregnant and she was just 19 years old.
Although she says her father-in-law made it clear that he was not happy with his son marrying a foreigner, her mother-in-law pushed for lobola and that everything be done according to their cultural norms.
“We were supposed to do a white wedding but since I was pregnant, my mother-in-law said I should wait until I gave birth which happened in June 2008. In August of the same year, we tied the knot in court,” she said.
Nokuthula said their love story turned sour when she was seven months pregnant and her husband beat her while she was carrying his baby.
She said she had visited Zimbabwe for the festive season and fell ill, which delayed her return to Botswana.
“When I got there, we moved out to rent our own apartment because I had challenges with the language. He suggested we move out. He had the wrong set of friends who influenced him wrongly. We had our first fight and he clapped me while pregnant.
“In the morning he apologised and bribed me with chocolates and other presents. But the abuse never stopped. He would disappear after getting paid and return after having finished all the money as he was seeing someone else. When I asked about his movements and the money, he would beat me up,” she said.
Her ex-husband broke her right wrist and another injury she sustained on the leg from his abusive ways still troubles her during winter.
“He wanted to kick me in the stomach but I dodged, blocked with my hand and he broke it. I have doctors’ and police reports to that effect. I reported the matter to my uncles but they said emendweni kuyabekezelwa,” said Nokuthula.
She said this took a toll on her and she lost a lot of weight as a result.
Nokuthula said she finally called time on the abusive relationship in 2014 after enduring six years of abuse.
“What broke the camel’s back was a fight over a DVD player. He strangled me, took hot isitshwala and spread it on my face, burning me in the process. For the first time, I reported him to the police but they were not interested in the case since I was a foreigner. They said it was a domestic matter that should’ve been handled at home. It was me against the people keen to protect their own from a foreigner,” she said.
Nokuthula said even when they were referred to the village courts, the matter was looked at with the same lens.
She said she abandoned seeking justice and left Botswana for South Africa, ending the abusive relationship.
Looking back, Nokuthula said she picked two lessons from the experience, which she hopes will help other women.
“We shouldn’t rush to get married; I was married at 19 and clearly I wasn’t mature then. Never dismiss the red flags which you see because it will only get worse once you are married. He started beating me before we signed the marriage certificate and I ignored all that. I also wanted to keep the marriage because society stigmatises omabuyekwendeni,”she said.
Nokuthula says the two of them used to go to church but that did not count as the man would turn devil incarnate at home.
She said her ex-husband is now a pastor in Botswana while she is vending on the streets of Bulawayo to support their two children as he is not supporting them.
Nokuthula shared her story during recent Gender-Based Violence commemorations organised by Emthonjeni Women’s Forum.
The 16 Days of Activism Against Gender-Based Violence are marked annually from November 25 to December 10.
This year’s commemorations were marked under the theme, “Unite! Activism to end violence against women and girls.”
EMthonjeni Women’s Forum Programmes Officer Ms Shirley Mabutho said there is a need for SADC countries to adopt uniform policies that deal with GBV.
“Gender-Based Violence knows no borders, and justice must not discriminate based on citizenship or immigration status. SADC countries must adopt and enforce uniform policies that prioritise the protection of all individuals, regardless of nationality or documentation. This includes ensuring accessible reporting mechanisms, shelters, and legal aid for survivors, especially those who face additional vulnerabilities as migrants or undocumented individuals,” she said.
Ms Mabutho said there is a need for public awareness campaigns and community engagement to challenge harmful cultural norms that perpetuate tolerance of GBV.
She said it was only through uniting as a region that a society where women and girls are truly safe and can be supported will be formed. – @themkhust
*Not her real name
