Online Reporter
Mudzimba
Dr Rebecca Chisamba
Dear Amai, I hope I find you well. I am a married 32-year-old woman. Additionally, I am a mother of one.
I have been in this union for five years. If truth be told, I have never celebrated Christmas from the heart since I got married.
My husband has five siblings, two brothers and three sisters, who are all married. It is like an unwritten rule that they all go with their spouses to celebrate Christmas at their rural home. Both their parents are alive and they appreciate the gesture.
As daughters-in-law, our work is to see that the meals are cooked on time, the home is clean and that the kids and visitors are attended to.
Our men drive off to entertainment spots to drink and have braais. We suffer a lot. I, for one, feel like I have been enslaved. I told my husband, who is the last born, that this year I am not moving an inch from my house. I know he is going to be called names in my absence, but I do not care. There is a lot of tension. We are not talking because I am refusing to budge. Amai, is this fair?
Response
I am very well and thanks for reaching out to me. I understand how you feel about the whole thing. It is very unfortunate that you have drawn a line in the sand, yet this season is supposed to bring happiness and joy. I know it may not be easy to change the mindset of your family, but you can gradually convince them. Try selling the idea of going elsewhere for future holidays.
You may even enjoy this Christmas at your in-laws’ home if chores are shared and all the adults and children make an effort to clean up after themselves. Try to find a workaround over this issue and enjoy your Christmas. If you think about it, it only comes once a year.
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Mother taking too long to repay my debt
Dear Amai, thank you very much for your column in The Sunday Mail; I follow it religiously. I am a guy aged 28. I am preparing to pay lobola in February next year. My mother borrowed US$2 000 and promised to pay it back by the end of November this year. She paid three-quarters of the amount and now she wants to sell two cows — mombe dzehumai — to pay off the balance. Some people are saying I will be unfortunate for the rest of my whole life if I accept money from this arrangement. How true is this?
Response
Dear big fan, thank you for following this column religiously and for assisting your mother in her time of need. I can tell that your mother is an honest woman and did not take advantage of you as her son. What she intends to do will not spell misfortune on your life.
She can do as she pleases with the cattle, as they are hers. Please accept this payment from her with a settled heart. Feel free to call me privately if you want to learn more about our culture concerning mombe dzehumai. The other option is, if you do not want anything to do with her cattle, then simply cancel the remaining debt.
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Mother-in-law is
out of line
I am a married man and a father of two beautiful daughters. My partner is humble, the exact opposite of her mother. My mother-in-law is a drama queen. Most people are used to her, although others get offended by her remarks. This time she pulled a shocker by sending me a list of what I am yet to pay as lobola. She did this without telling my father-in-law.
I did not respond to her text message; instead, I forwarded it to the go-between (munyai), who was shocked and equally embarrassed.
I think this is arising from the fact that I was promoted three months ago. The go-between had a meeting with my father-in-law, who apologised and told me not to worry. They had invited us as a family to go to their home for lunch on Christmas Day. Now that there is this tension, should I go with my family or stay behind? I do not want the day to be spoiled because she is very unpredictable.
Response
Hello writer. Your mother-in-law is dramatic and she crossed the line. Well done for not responding to her text. Why did she not tell baba to approach you in person? Lobola is not negotiated through text messages. It is unAfrican.
I think it is noble to go for lunch since you had already accepted the invitation. Withdrawing at the 11th hour may upset the other members of the family. It will be okay since your father-in-law will be there. You need to keep your wife in the loop about these issues. Please keep me posted. I wish you a merry Christmas.
Feedback: beckychisamba @gmail.com
